You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
