When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
