I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
