i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
