I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
