I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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