I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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