So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
