Welp...herpes.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
