i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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