I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
