My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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