I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
