all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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