I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
