filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The ass gains better be worth it
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