I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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