Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
someone owes me an orgasm
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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