How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
