Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
