remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
