I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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