20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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