If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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