Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
