He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
