Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
