Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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