Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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