Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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