Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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