Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
