Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
