thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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