i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
