I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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