wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
