My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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