Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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