He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
