i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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