So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
