the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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