I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
