hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Drunk is a universal language darling
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
