So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
