Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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