I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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