I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
