you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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