You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
