so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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