I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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