my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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