I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize