I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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