Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My dick has a subreddit
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
