Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
