I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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