we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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