I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
