one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
